Congo Chronicle 11: The Moon Orchid!

More Fun #66 (April 1941) brings us the harrowing tale of "The Moon Orchid"! We find Bill and Prof in a steamy jungle, on another one of Prof's crazy plant-hunts! This time, it's the maybe-imaginary moon orchid....
How prescient of you, Congo Bill! No sooner said than done!
Is it just me, or does Prof's silent gasp of terror/Broadway kickline dance step remind you of someone? Let's see, who was it....? Oh, yes;
Anyway, no sooner does CB realize Prof is missing than he, too, is attacked. But the scrappy Bill fights back with a barrage of racist taunts!
"Black devils". Wow. Sounds like a Romney-Ryan* campaign stop! (*Dear readers of the future: you may insert here the name of the most recent Republican Presidential ticket.)

As explained in the text, CB and Prof have been nabbed by the bloodthirsty Mesabi tribe, guardians of the aforementioned Moon Orchid. The Mesabi apparently take their name from a mountain range....in Minnesota.

CONGO BILL FUN FACT: The Mesabi Iron Range, discovered in 1866, is the chief deposit of iron ore in the United States!

CB awakens next to Bill in one of their standard Physique Pictorial fantasy set-ups:

They're soon joined by a lusty young female!


"Entoo tali wambi sasu, walli" translates roughly as "I'm going to take this knife and wear it out on you!" But CB is saved by the timely arrival of a peg-leg white man!

In junior high school, I had a math teacher named Mister Marriot. Rumor had it that he had a wooden leg. Also, his flaming homosexuality meter rating fell somewhere between Charles Nelson Reilly and Little Richard. When my big sister and her prom date, both awkward and misfits, decided to blow off the prom they went to Mr. Marriot's house and drank scotch with him.

One time he cornered me in the boys' room. So that he could offer my mother and I tickets to the symphony.

When my little sister was in his class, she and a friend were passing a note that said "Mr. Marriot is a peg-leg fag". Mr. Marriot saw them passing it, snatched it up, and read aloud: "Mr. Marriot is a peg-leg fag. OH IS HE??!??" He then tacked the note to the board and left it there the rest of the year.

True story.

But you really have to hear my sister's imitation to get the full effect.

"She just likes to kill, it's an inborn trait." Er, I.....yeah, I got nothin'.
Peg-Leg explains how he came to be a "guest" of the Mesabi:

CB, Prof and Peg-Leg organize their escape plan and make it to the edge of the village, where they happen to stumble upon (cue chorus of angelic voices)...

Prof can barely contain his excitement, and does perhaps the most manly act he's performed thus far in the chronicles - giving us some DILF beefcake while he's at it!
To cover their escape, Bill unleashes a barrel of nitroglycerin that Peg-Leg has just happened to have lying around since his capture, because nitroglycerin is a well-known tool of geologic expeditions. But....has Bill's enthusiasm for action finally done him in? Say it ain't so, Bill!

After a few harrowing seconds of worry, Bill proves that he's not only man enough to survive an explosion, but also had time to whip himself up a manly kilt of acacia leaves. The tailoring is impeccable!

I DO find it a bit suspicious that Peg-Leg is on his knees and Prof looks like he's been caught in the act of fastening up his britches, but whatever. C'est la vie, as they say in the jungle!

Congo Chronicle 9: The Thing!

Here comes trouble indeed, CB! More Fun #64 sees Bill and Prof headed for a "friend's" plantation. Based on its size, the attacking beast seems to be a white rhinoceros, native to South and Central Africa. Congo Bill Fun Fact: All five species of Rhinoceros (White, Black, Indian, Javan, and Sumatran) are endangered, but White Rhinocerii are the least vulnerable, with roughly 14,500 remaining in the wild.

Lucky thing, as Congo Bill's trusty rifle puts this one down for good!

But then........
Attacked by a chimp! Ring a bell, readers? That's right, it's no ordinary chimp, it's our old pal O'Toole!
Bill, Prof and O'Toole head for the plantation where the trouble of the month is revealed. The Plantation owner is eager to sell his land, but a mysterious bulletproof evildoer has been systematically murdering the native plantation owners in the dead of night, leaving only a threatening note behind:
The Thing??!? Surely not......
....bears a striking resemblance, that's all I'm sayin'.

Bill manages to force a confrontation with the mysterious Thing (and it's still only page 4!) but finds that the rumours of his bulletproofness are not overblown!
Next day, the threat the Thing poses become all-too clear! Looks like Bill faces a leveredged buy-out!

Not to fear, Bill has a plan. We knew he had a lovely singing voice, but who knew he had theatrical skills as well....?
Bill chases the hooded hoodlum through the underbrush, and gives us a shot of his rippling ebony torso!
Bill is determined to stop the Thing, despite his injuries - but in the nick of time, (as he had done so capably in Chronicle 2), O'Toole saves the day!
Once captured, The Thing turns out to be the prospective buyer (I can now reveal, dear reader, that I suspected this all along!)
Mr. Tate, after a lengthy prison stay, went on to become a partner in a prestigious ad agency!

Next time - more hard-fisted action with Congo Bill!

Congo Chronicle 6: The Madman of the Jungle

Now, then, on to More Fun Comics #61 and "The Madman of the Jungle". There is, despite the Professor's invitation for her to stick around, no sign of the odious Gloria Desmond. Presumably her silk blouse didn't hold up too well to the steamy jungle heat, or maybe her Chanel scarf caught on a branch and strangled her. Good riddance!

We join Bill as he guides Professor Kent through the jungle. At last, we can put to rest the furious debate about whether Professor Kent is an archaeologist, as seen in Chronicle 1, or a botanist, as inferred here. He's both - and, apparently, NOTED in both disciplines!
Unfortunately, Bill still hasn't resolved his underlying resentment about Prof's methodical passion for plants...
Before a full-on argument can develop, Bill and Kent are approached by some native policemen (referred to later in the story as "stupid" - apparently a common enough problem in Africa). The police are after a dangerous escaped convict and need the help of an expert jungle tracker like Congo Bill!
As luck would have it, the pair have hardly said goodbye to the stupid police when...
Jungle tracker meets shirtless convict....reminds me of an issue of Physique Pictorial I read once!
Anyway....seems poor Allen was convicted of the murder of a former client, Jean Villon, who went crazy after crash-landing in the jungle and faked his own death, so that Allen would be framed for his murder and Villon could have the diamonds he found all to himself. Except, turns out, since Villon is crazy, the things he thinks are diamonds are actually worthless pebbles. I know, right? All that careful planning for nothing!
I should also mention that Villon is French. You can tell because a) his name is Jean, b) he's crazy, and c) he's unwashed and has beady eyes.
Villon lures our trio into into his cabin, locks them in, and sets the place on fire - giving Convict Colby an opportune moment to flex his prison-toned muscles. Welcome to the gun show, ladies!
Not to be outdone, Bill flexes his mental muscles with an ingenious escape plan!
The police are drawn by the noise of the explosion and prepare to capture Villon, but not before he's checkmated by a little JUNGLE JUSTICE!
Villon is mauled to death and everyone lives happily ever after.
I bet you "welcomed the excitement", you sly dog! It doesn't hurt that you and shirtless aviator convict Colby have a love of flying in common, does it now?

That's it for now, be back soon. But I leave you with our first CONGO BILL FUN FACT!
CONGO BILL FUN FACT #1: "The Ways of Justice are often strange!" Amen, brother!