Oh hey,
Congophiles! Sorry to have been gone for
*checks calendar* SIX YEARS but, you know, life gets in the way. Never fear, though, I have a boring-ass day
job so I have plenty of time for reading and writing!
There seems
to have been a bit of a narrative lag in Congo Bill’s life, too, as he’s made
his way from mainland China back to the steamy Congo, AND opened a trading post
to boot! (In my mind’s eye it doubles as
a charming jungle-themed bed and breakfast but there’s nothing in the text to
support this).
Meanwhile,
“King of the Underworld” Snake-Eyes has seen his fortunes fall hard, from his
well-apportioned penthouse apartment, right to the hoosegow! Like all self-respecting mob bosses, his
downfall came not from horrific murders and mutilations, but from good ol’
American tax evasion!
Busted out
by his underlings, Snake-Eyes sets sail to the distant shores of the Congo to
set up a little fiefdom for himself, a fact Congo Bill only discovers when a
doomed native stumbles out of the jungle, ratting out Snake-Eyes with his dying
breath – his only succor being that he dies in the manly arms of Congo Bill
himself!
Bill races
off on his trusty white steed (is horseback the practical way to travel through
the jungle, though?) with a satchel full of firecrackers (if you’re like me,
you may be thinking that firecrackers is some 1940’s for something else – nope,
just plain old firecrackers!)
We find that
Snake-Eyes has dubbed himself King Snake-Eyes and used his tommy gun to enslave
the local population, forcing them to mine gold and shape it into practical
things like crowns and armor (I’m sure I don’t need to tell MY audience that
gold is probably the worst metal to craft anything defensive out of, right?)
Bill swings
into action to teach Snake-Eyes the rules of JUNGLE FIGHTING. Unfortunately
Snake-Eyes is a poor student and only picks up on the DIRTY TRICKS aspect...
Bill is
tossed to the river below where he’s set upon by a hungry croc – I’d worry, but
I know who this Croc is dealing with, and it’s no mamby-pamby weekend
adventurer, it’s MFing CONGO BILL
His gun now
waterlogged and useless, Bill makes quick use of the firecrackers he had the
foresight to bring along! Creating a
mildly annoying distraction to draw King Snake-Eyes out of his hut palace, Bill
shows him what Jungle Fighting is ALL ABOUT!
AND THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULDN’T OUGHTTA WEAR GOLD ARMOR
